


A Business Meeting

by AnnieVH



Series: Queens of Darkness Sitcom AU [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Queens of Darkness, Rumbelle - Freeform, Rumbelle AU - Freeform, ouat AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 01:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3551468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieVH/pseuds/AnnieVH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Queens have a debate over their next article.<br/>VERSE: Queens of Darkness Sitcom AU, where Mr. Gold is forced to move in with his sister Ella.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Business Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: maddiebonanafana as always. Thank you, Maddie!

Ella stretched on the sun chair with a lazy sigh. “Has this week been more sunny than usual, or is it just me?”

“I must say, Ella dear,” Mal told her, pouring ice tea into their glasses, “you can be positively cruel when you want to be.”

“Now, lets be fair here,” Ella said, raising a finger. “I wouldn’t have written four paragraphs on Goldie Lockhart gaining twenty pounds in less than a month if she hadn’t  _indeed_  gained twenty pounds in less than a month.”

“If you’re worried about offending your feminism,” Ursula joined in, already knowing where that conversation would end, “I wrote six paragraphs on her husband gaining forty in less than three weeks, so we’re good.”

“Isn’t equality a beautiful thing?” Ella smiled.

“Indeed,” Mal agreed, smiling back. “But I meant your brother’s situation.”

Ella’s smile doubled in size. “What about it?”

Ursula said, “You don’t seem particularly heartbroken over his… misfortune.”

“Rumple’s fine, he’s just being a drama queen, as usual. Should have left that horrible woman ages ago. Don’t forget to add a lemon slice to mine, darling.”

“I am not saying you should be inside, offering him a comforting hug,” Mal said, handing her the glass.

Ursula scoffed. “Nor are we saying he seems like the hugging type. But you do seem a little…”

“A little what?”

“Delighted,” they concluded in unison.

“Delighted?” she gasped, bringing one hand to her chest. “That my stuck up older brother who hasn’t called in five years and hasn’t said a nice thing to me in twelve years got dumped by his shrew of a wife and might very well lose everything in what is set to be the messiest divorce in the history of messy divorces? Now, where did you get that idea?”

“Not that you were ever very compassionate,” Mal said.

“And not that he’s been nice to you since he got here,” Ursula complemented.

“Or to us,” Mal added, outraged. “And I really don’t know why, I mean, we  _are_  delightful.”

“And we always ask how he’s doing.”

Ella pointed at them to ask for their attention. “Do you know how he ‘asked’ for my help? He knocked on the door, then barged in announcing, ‘You know those favors you owe me? I came here to collect.’ And just moved in.”

They hissed their teeth.

“Not a good start,” Ursula conceded.

Mal nodded. “Far from being a good start.”

“Good Scottish accent, though.”

“Sounds just like him.”

Ella took a bow, as if she were an actor on a big stage. “Thank you, my dear.”

They laughed and drank in silence for a moment. Then, Ursula asked, “Why did you guys have a fall out, anyway?”

“What do people have fall outs for?” Ella replied. “Money.”

Mal said, “Can destroy the best of families.”

Ella shook her head. “He was far from it. Oh! Here she comes, the papergirl!”

Belle opened the balcony door herself, fighting to keep the tower of paper balanced. After two months of executing that exact same task, she was getting the hang of it. Belle was a fast learner. The first time she had asked for help and received three pairs of glares in response, she learned to never do it again. And now she was handling that pile of newspapers on top of her high heels almost like a top model on a catwalk. Almost.

“Did you get everything, my dear?”

“Yes, Ms. Gold,” she said, breathless, putting the papers down on a side table and separating them in two piles. “I’ll start working through them while you girls read your column.”

“Watch it,” Mal said, looking at the living room. “We’re not alone anymore.”

“Mr. Gold just left,” Belle said. Then she turned red. “Aahn… Your brother snatched a copy of the Times before I could do anything about it, Ms. Gold. But if you want, I can go and fetch another-”

“Don’t say fetch, dear, you’re not my labradoodle.” Ella took one of the remaining copies of the Times from the pile. “Just bring an extra copy with you next week.”

Her eyes filled with horror, but her voice was perfectly calm when she asked, “Of… _everything_ … Ms. Gold?”

Ella gave her friends a look. Ursula hid a giggle behind her hand. Mal seemed amused as well, but the look on her face asked Ella to have some pity. Belle always tried hard. If they asked her to bring along an extra copy of every newspaper and magazine in town, she’d do it without thinking twice.

Or finally snap. And good help was so hard to find nowadays.

“No, dear, just the Times.”

Belle sighed with relief.

Ella settled back on her sun chair and started looking for the page she wanted.

“Beastly, my brother, isn’t he?”

“I don’t know him enough, Miss Gold,” Belle replied, taking a chair and sitting at the little table that was set aside for her to sort through the papers.

“Lucky you.”

“It’s okay, my dear,” Mal said, picking up a paper herself. “Ella was just telling us how much she dislikes her brother.”

“I don’t believe in judging people before you really know them, Mrs. Whale.”

“Then you chose the wrong line of business,” Ella said. She laughed. “Berny Lockhart  _does_ look like Paddington now. I knew he reminded me of someone.”

“You’re welcome,” Ursula replied, eyes focused on another column. “Fat celebrities won’t do for The Mirror, though. We need to find something juicy for our grand debut.”

“Cheerio freelancing,” Ella said, smiling. “Hello exclusivity contract. It will be immensely fun. Have you found anything yet, darling?”

Belle looked up. She had barely started, but knew better than to say that out loud. “Not yet, Miss Gold. Would you mind me asking what do you have in mind for this week, exactly?”

“Something big,” Ella said.

“Relating to a very well known public figure,” Mal continued.

“Preferably a controversial issue, that can get us some hate mail. I  _love_  responding to poorly written hate mail,” Ursula concluded.

“Lets see,” Belle leafed through the paper, scanning for key words.

Ursula laughed. “Ella, you are absolutely  _cruel_.”

“Why, thank you, darling.”

“What? What did she write?” Mal leaned over her shoulder. Ursula pointed to the second paragraph. Mal started laughing as well. “That’s a great pun.”

“I bet everyone will be calling them Goldilocks and Paddington tomorrow,” Ursula said.

“Do you think we can find two more bears?” Ella asked.

“We can try,” Mal replied, eyes full of malice. “Look for bears too, Belle.”

“Yes, Mrs. Whale,” Belle said, still frantically going through the pages, until something made her stop and gasp. “Oh, no.”

“Divorce?” Mal asked, full of hope. “Sounds like a divorce.”

“Of one of those True Love couples,” Ursula added. “It always gets to her.”

“No, it’s that horrible man again. Herman.”

Ella snapped her tongue. “Not this again.”

Ursula rolled her eyes as well. But Mal turned to look at her. “What is it this time?”

“Listen to this.  _Senator Mitchell Herman_ …” Belle started, eager to share the article.

Mal raised one hand. “I can read, Belle. What is it about, in ten words or less.”

“Uhn…” Belle read over the article once again and summarized: “Family values. Purity rings. He doesn’t say the word slut, but he’s clearly dying to-”

“That’s fifteen already, thank you.”

With that, she snatched the paper from her hands and read the article herself.

Ella, however, shook her head. “We’re not doing it.”

“Oh, this man is primeval,” Mal said.

“Yes, lovely, we are  _not_  doing it. Nobody cares for politics unless it’s election year.”

“Ella, you should read this. It’s bound to make  _your_  cold blood boil.”

“I’m sure you mean it as a compliment.”

“I do if it means you’ll consider this.”

“Ursula, back me up in this one, will you?”

“What is the page again?” Ursula asked.

“Not you too.”

“I just want to check this out.”

“We need something posh,” Ella insisted. “Adultery, custody battles, celebrities who keep a sex dungeon in their houses.”

“A sex dungeon is a bad thing?” Mal frowned. “Nobody told me.”

Belle flinched, rethinking her career choices not for the first time that morning.

Ella said, “Don’t be a prude, darling. We’re all grown-ups here.”

“Well, talk about beastly!” Ursula said, throwing the paper on the table with disgust. “This man makes your brother look like a Prince Charming.”

“He is becoming quite popular, you have to give him that,” Mal added. “Belle, find me a few other articles.”

“On it, Mrs. Whale.”

“You can pile up a hundred articles for all I care. A conservative senator is not news. It’s half of bloody America.  _And_  all of Texas. Ursula, you know I’m right.”

“But what if we found something  _juicy_. Something like a long string of lovers, or an addiction to porn.”

“Ooh! A conservative senator with dirty sex secret?” Ella mocked. “Nobody  _ever_ expected that plot twist.”

“Ursula, you know  _I_ 'm right.”

“Will the two of you stop nagging me? I am not voting until I’ve got all the information.”

Belle passed her a few papers with a, “Here you go, Mrs. Carroll.”

Ella growled. “I don’t know which one of you is the worst. Ms. Woman’s Rights or Ms. Impartial-Until-I-Get-All-The-Facts-I-Need-To-Make-”

Ursula laughed without even looking up from the article she was now reading. “That was five words too long to be effectively insulting.”

“Will you just read it?” Ella snapped.

“Yes, Ursula,” Mal said, sweetly. “I am  _dying_  to get your vote.”

“You are in for a disappointment, Mallory my dear.”

“Oh, my, she’s using my full name. Did you see that, Belle? She’s getting nervous.”

“Wait a second…” Ursula said, putting their fight to a hault. “Ella, didn’t you mention your brother lived in a town called Storybrooke?”

“Little cow town in the middle of nowhere, yes, why?”

A big smile stretched her friend’s lips. “Guess where the Senator is from?”

**Author's Note:**

> Picspam: http://annievh.tumblr.com/post/109471145402/queens-of-darkness-sitcom-au-malcolm-gold
> 
> Still taking prompts for this verse.


End file.
